Synopses & Reviews
When we hear that someone close to us has been diagnosed with cancer, we want nothing more than to comfort them with words of hope, support, and love. But sometimes we don't know what to say or do, and don't feel comfortable asking. With sensitive insights and thoughtful anecdotes, HELP ME LIVE provides a personal yet thoroughly researched account of words and actions that are most helpful. Based on the author's own experiences with cancer, as well as interviews and surveys with many others who have had this disease, each chapter tells intimate stories about one of the 20 most important messages people with cancer want to convey, such as “I need to forget—and laugh,” “Asking my permission can spare me pain,” “I want you to understand if I don't call you back or see you,” and “I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice.” You'll learn that communicating effectively doesn't necessarily mean there's a “right thing” to say or do, but that you can achieve the desired result: to make those who are ill feel better. In candid and beautifully detailed prose, HELP ME LIVE will help you find the words or gestures to show how much you care. An intimate guide for families, partners, and friends of individuals diagnosed with cancer, detailing 20 messages to help loved ones communicate effectively.Appendices include specific advice geared toward special circumstances like workplace issues and rare cancers; 22 things most people with cancer like to hear; 26 common words, phrases, and questions that can sting; 15 fabulous things people did and said; 20 movies to know about; and more.An estimated 1.37 million new cancer cases were diagnosed in 2004.HELP ME LIVE does not prescribe behavior; rather it is designed as food for thought: Stories unfold, providing examples of words and deeds that have helped and harmed.Although everyone experiences cancer differently, most want the same thing: to be cared for and to feel understood and respected.Reviews"Help Me Live is personal, practical, and heartful, and makes it easier to navigate the nitty-gritty realities of what to say and do if you want to help."—Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD, author of Close to the Bone: Life-Threatening Illness and the Search for Meaning"Lori Hope's masterful storytelling and clear explanations are invaluable, helping you understand (and forgive) others' hurtful words and actions. This book is a gift." —Wendy S. Harpham, MD, cancer survivor and author of Diagnosis: Cancer"With grace and good humor, Hope tells us what we all should know about facing this life-altering disease. Extraordinarily moving and helpful, this book is essential reading for cancer patients as well as their families and friends."—Marc Silver, author of Breast Cancer Husband and editor, U.S. News & World Report"'Every time we read a book about cancer,' said Margo Rivera-Weiss, librarian and art gallery curator of the [Women's Cancer] resource center, 'it gets into 'what is this treatment, what is that treatment' (Those books) don't get into how to be there for your friend, how to be there for my wife. Lori has written that book.'"—San Francisco Chronicle
Synopsis
When we hear that someone close to us has been diagnosed with cancer, we want nothing more than to comfort them with words of hope, support and love. But often what we say--that is, if we even find the strength to reach out--sounds disingenuous condescending or insufficient. With sensitive insights and thoughtful anecdotes. HELP ME LIVE provides a personal yet thoroughly researched account, including the author's own experiences with cancer and interviews and surveys with hundreds of others who have had this disease. Each chapter focuses on one of the 20 most important messages people with cancer want to convey, such as I need to forget and laugh: Please ask permission: I want you to understand if I don't call you back or want to see you: and I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice. You'll learn that communicating effectively doesn't necessarily mean there's a right thing to say, but that you achieve the desired result; to make those who are ill feel better. In candid and beautifully detailed prose. HELP ME LIVE will help you find the words or gestures to show how much you care.
Synopsis
When we hear that someone close to us has been diagnosed with cancer, we want nothing more than to comfort them with words of hope, support, and love. But sometimes we don't know what to say or do and don't feel comfortable asking. With sensitive insights and thoughtful anecdotes, Help Me Live provides a personal yet thoroughly researched account of words and actions that are most helpful.
About the Author
Lori Hope, a cancer survivor herself, has produced more than 20 documentaries, winning dozens of awards including two Emmys. Currently managing editor of Bay Area BusinessWoman News, Hope has been published in Newsweek and broadcast on radio stations nationwide.
Table of Contents
contentsacknowledgments - xi
preface - 1
introduction - 7
20 things people with cancer want you to know
1. "It's okay to say or do the 'wrong' thing." - 20
2. "I need to know you're here for me (and if you aren't, why not)." - 27
3. "I like to hear success stories, not horror stories." - 41
4. "I am terrified." - 50
5. "I need you to listen to me and let me cry." - 61
6. "Asking my permission can spare me pain." - 75
7. "I need to forget--and laugh." - 86
8. "I need to feel hope." - 95
9. "Telling me to think positively can make me feel worse." - 105
10. "I want you to trust my judgment and my treatment decisions." - 113
11. "I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice." - 119
12. "I am more than my cancer; treat me kindly, not differently." - 129
13. "I want you to help without my asking you to." - 137
14. "I like to be held in your thoughts or prayers." - 145
15. "My moods change day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you." - 151
16. "Hearing platitudes or what's good about cancer can trivialize
my feelings." - 156
17. "I don't know why I got cancer, and I don't want to hear
your theory." - 164
18. "I need you to understand if I don't return your call or want
to see you." - 171
19. "I want my caregiver to take good care of herself or himself." - 180
20. "I don't know if I'm cured, and bringing up my health can bring
me down." - 190
afterword - 199
appendix - 201
I. The Survey - 202
II. Special Circumstances - 206
Soon after Diagnosis • During Treatment • Workplace Issues • Depression • Breast Cancer • Prostate Cancer • Lung Cancer • Rare Cancers • Children and Cancer • Gender Issues • Young Adults • Women in Their Childbearing Years • Parents with Cancer • Soon after Treatment • Long-Term Survivors • For Those of Faith • End-of-Life Issues
III. For Doctors and Other Health Care Providers Only - 228
IV. The Lists - 230
21 More Things People with Cancer Want You to Know • 15 Fabulous Things People Did for and Said to Cancer Patients • 12 Outrageous, Funny, or Awful Things Said to People with Cancer • Beware: 26 Common Words, Phrases, and Questions That Can Sting • 22 Things Most People with Cancer Like and Want to Hear • 20 Silly Movies for People with Cancer to See • 18 Things You Can Do (after Asking Permission, of Course) to Help Someone with Cancer • Instead of Saying That, You Might Say This
resources - 249
index -- 254